Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year Bitches

I'm not one of those "a new year a new me" type of people. Nor do I make resolutions for the new year. Every day is an opportunity to start new and a new year isn't any different. So rather than promise myself to do things different I typically reflect on what has happened in the past so I can do better. Let's reflect back on the year shall we?

  • I reforged some old friendships and I let friends who were no good to me or for me go. I was not nice about some of it and probably could have handled it better but sometimes there is no other way to put a point across. I decided not to be anyone stepping stone.
  • I went to one concert: Against Me at the Roxy and it was glorious. I wish I had gone to more shows. I'm making that a goal for 2015. I think more concerts is a resolution I can keep!
  • I moved into my own apartment. It was supposed to be a lot better than it has ended up being. I'm grateful to move out in the coming months and get a new one with hopefully less issues.
  • My niece moved in with me in September. So we will be getting an apartment together.
  • I graduated from Cosmo School and then got my license. w00t!
  • I got an awesome job assisting a woman named Sue whom I've grown to love as well as respect.
  • Went on a ton of dates, still single. #ForeverAlone2014

I'd say it's been a good year. Hopefully next year can be a great year. Insert noisemaker noise here.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Dear Daddy, 2014

Today is the 15th nnivesary of your death. So much has happened, so much has changed and you're not here to see any of it. You're not here to help me through any of it. I graduated from cosmetology school and mom's boyfriend was where you should have been. It sucked. I have nothing against Tracy but it should have been you. It always should have been you. For everything.
I understand. I know I say it every year, I say every year that I understand your choice but I hate. I still hate it after 15 years of trying to deal with it. I've read books about cancer patients and I have talked to people with cancer and I know what they say but I still wanted the opportunity to say goodbye.

This year in the media there was an article about a woman who chose to end her life on hr own terms. Her family moved to Oregon, completed a bucket list and then on Nov 1st, she used Oregon's laws to end her own life. We could have done that. You could have made that choice with us and it could have been easier to deal with. I could have prepared mentally or something.

I still cry about you. I wish I could stop. I'm still so mad that I want to reserve my tears for someone deserving of them. I still want to remind you that you'll never hold a grandchild, that you'll never be there for so many things but this year and right now that one kills me. This is what I think about when I see little kid outfits, when my friends are coming up with names I think about what I would name my kid and it just sucks because I want to stick yours in there but how do I explain why I chose to name my kid after my dad who didn't care about me enough to stick around to see me grow up? You could have tried to fight this but you chickened out. I want a warrior for a kid so how could I name my would-be-warrior after a chicken shit who ran from cancer rather than choosing to fight it?

I just miss you. I wish that I didn't want to tear you apart before I would hug you if I ever saw you again. Part of me thinks your decision to end your own life made me that way. That I'd rather fight then show my love, show my weakness because you never fought it.

I don't know what else I could write that I haven't written for the last 14 of these. I just know I'd never do what you did to my family. They come first.

I love you, I miss you; until next year.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Serial Single Sara

I was reading a friends blog because somehow I missed that she had a boyfriend. I mean this guy just randomly started appearing in her instagram photo's and I was like "she was a serial single, what gives?" But I guess, just like myself she dips her toes into the dating pool. She has always been cool in my eyes. Ridiculously gorgeous, talented writer and fun to be around. She has themed birthday parties every year and always goes all out on Halloween.

She found someone who is changing her outlook on love and life. We bonded over our same philosophy of "can't we just date for a while and re-evaluate later?" I always had to have that convo where I was like "Do we have to talk about marriage and kids like we are going to be together forever when we haven't even hit the month mark yet?"

But apparently that whole philosophy has faded away and so I guess I will follow her example and try again. Seems so pointless, so ridiculously pointless and a huge waste of time and energy. But I gotta try I guess.

My mom and my Grams were laying very heavy on the baby talk today. I've been finding myself wanting kids more and more lately. More of that biological clock problem that I never thought was a thing, but oh, it's a thing alright. A terrible, scary, 'da fuq?' kind of thing that just basically jumps out and spooks the shit out of you when you're looking at drooly babies and pictures of chubster kids in cute onesies and thinking about baby names.

"You could name your kid Groucho," my mother says to me after my grams read something from her new computer (it gives her like quotes of the day and news bulletins and all sorts of crap) that was written or said by Groucho Marx.
"I like the name Rowan, it could work for a boy or a girl."
"So make the middle name Groucho so that I can say "hey grouchy" and if your kid complains just blame it on me."
"But what if I have a girl? Groucha?"
"Just name her bitch."

My family ladies and gents! We're hilarious. But then my grams goes with the whole "I guess this won't be in my lifetime" guilt trip and I have to roll my eyes. One thing at a time Grams. Financial stability, then a boyfriend who I hopefully wouldn't mind procreating with and then the babies and spit-up and drool and first smiles and yes lovely names.

Last time I blogged about a guy maybe being a game changer, he ran away so let's not get ahead of ourselves - we are just talking and I am NOT picking out china patterns and the whole naming kids thing was coincidental. But I am talking to a guy and legit talking, not just like "oh hey cutie - sup?" it's actually philosophical stuff like "pie vs cake vs cookie vs brownies vs ice cream: what's better?" and that we both hold psychology degrees so I went all brainiac and nerded out and asked him all sorts of questions about what he likes to study and Maslow and Sternberg and all of this will probably go nowhere but I wish every conversation I have with every guy would go in this direction. Where we would talk and get to know each other through ever evolving and stimulating conversation rather than "come over, lets have sex." Or the other really weird shit I get from dating websites/apps.

Also, tinder is the worst. WTF.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Life Updates

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've updated. Somehow I thought I had a couple posts planned out, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

All that has really happened is that I graduated school (see previous post), I turned 26, went to the casino with my mom and grandma to celebrate both of those events and then the day before I went to State Board to get my license my niece moved in and I've been coping with a new addition to my tiny apartment. Her cat drives me absolutely insane. He's like the worlds porkiest kitty and he is only 4-5 months old. He eats twice as much as my cat and my poor kitty looks like a newborn next to him. It has brought out her playful side so after the week of hissing and hiding they are pretty much besties now. Good for them.

I haven't gotten a job yet. I went on a ton of interviews and it all turned out to be nothing. I've called several places to follow up applications but it was all "sorry, not interested" and that's awful to hear repeatedly. I had a little breakdown over it all because it's been a month since I've gotten my license and nothing is happening.

I don't have any other updates besides this. I need to think of something dramatic to write about but thankfully my life has been significantly drama free.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

My Time At Beauty School Explained in Jersey Shore GIFS

So I graduated beauty school today. I wrote this a bit earlier, so I'm probably out getting as shitfaced as the Guidos in these GIFS but to explain my time at Beauty School I thought none could do it better than the drama of this horrid reality TV show because that's literally how I felt - like I was trapped in an awful reality show and at any one point someone was going to pop out with a camera and tell me I got punk'd. Only they never did.

Girls kept putting tampons in the toilets...
When someone would ask a question and the teacher JUST SAID the answer to their question right before they asked it.
One of the girls came running out of the bathroom because someone "missed" the toilet when pooping.
Us, every Saturday at 8:30am when we were up and not sleeping off our hangovers in order to do people's hair.
This girl said "excuse you" to me in a really snotty way during a conversation, I apparently offended her but I gave her my dirtiest look and informed her very sternly that she was NEVER to speak to me that way and that she needed to be careful who she spoke to like that because someone is just going to ring her bell without warning. She cried.

Any time we'd do a personal service, we'd fuck with each other.
Like saying "Whoops" in the middle of curling or dying their hair.

Us on Saturday Morning after going out the night before.

Whenever someone would ask how to do something for the zillionth time
what the answer was to that question on the test AFTER WE ALREADY TOOK IT.
If you don't know the meaning of "Porosity" go look in the damn text book.

I quoted this when I bought my new shears because girls have sticky fingers.
I mean someone stole someone else's lunch, of course they'd take my $200 shears.
All the girls at every graduation
My reaction when I find out someone failed their State Board test.
My reaction whenever I pass a text.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

My Life as GIFs from New Girl

The following GIFS apply to my life as if they were pages ripped out verbatim and inserted into the script.

All the time

What my mom says to me whenever I get frustrated with guys

What I want to say to EVERYONE I've ever met while working retail

How I feel

When people comment on the fact that I talk to myself.

Pretty much sums it up

What I say to every guy I date

What I say to my friends when it doesn't work out with a guy

What I say to the bartender 3 shots in after a break up

What I say at home after a break up


When I'm so hungry I could kill someone

There are so many more but I was super bored. Enjoy.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Major Case of Senioritis

It is getting to be that time. I have a month left. No, 14 physical days (that means not including weekends) & 86 hours to be exact. Until I graduate. So I've officially been at "senior" status for awhile now but I've finally got that problem.

Think back to the high school days of yesteryear and try to remember how much you didn't give a shit about anything because you basically already had one foot out the door and you'll have a vague inkling of where I am at.

Except I go to school with about 60 girls of various ages, in various stages of life and almost always on their fucking rag. Almost every one of them, to me, at this point, is a person worthy of being bitch-slapped. I almost did it today to this one girl who is mean to people on purpose and just the most immature person I've ever come across. I don't usually judge people by their age but she is 19, fresh out of high school and just not someone I'd consider being friends with. I try and steer clear of her because I'm almost done and really, I'm 26 I don't have time to be teaching little girls when they should or shouldn't open their mouth and that when they do open their mouth if disrespect comes pouring out of it that someone at some point will gladly put them in their place. I'll let someone else do that. I'm not trying to make her into my problem. I'm just trying to graduate and get the fuck out.

I should probably explain that we have a certain number of procedures, that we call Practicals, that are required by the State Board of California to prove that we know how to do hair. That number is different for every type of procedure we do. So anything "thermal" like blow drying, straightening or curling your hair with an hot tool we have to do a certain number of, which is different from the number of hair coloring and/or bleaching procedures, ect. We also have to study each different thing, wet hair styling, thermal styling, chemical services, doing the different types of facials, hair removal (waxing) and different types of nails (just to name a few) from a text book and that is called theory. We have to have a certain number of each of those as well. We track it all on a sheet from week to week with our hours (literally like a job) and that's considered our proof of training which is required to get our license. So I have all of those completed basically, save for like 1 Press & Curl, 1 Manicure for my Practical or Procedures and for Theory it's like 1 Rules & Regulations and 1 Health and Safety, which those two theories we do not get from our book because it's a basic book used in every state and the health and safety and rules are different from state to state so they don't put those in there. Those hours we get from being the lab person (basically the salon bitch/everyone's maid/ mother who makes sure everyone is being clean) or if one of our teachers decides to lecture us on it for an hour. So I'm pretty much done. Anything I do now is extra and pretty much I don't want to do it.

If you know me, you know I'm not a careless person but right now, with Senioritis - I could give a fuck. See gif above, it explains everything. Everyone who I started with has already graduated and I would be too if I didn't have to take a leave of absence for a medical emergency and it set me back in hours. Thanks stupid gallbladder!

We have the option to hold a graduation. It's not like your typical graduation where you wear a cap and gown although my director/principle/the owner of the school claims they have one and they used to make the students wear it. But we get all dolled up - usually in something other than black - have our hair and make up done by other students and then at the end of the day there's cake and we stand up in the back of the Salon area and the students come up and say stuff and usually you have your family there and they can talk and then finally the teachers come up and I'm literally going to have to stop myself from doing this the whole time when my director speaks about me before handing me my diploma:

Then we take pictures and eat the cake. Everyone else will be eating the cake and I'm just going to be like LET ME OUT! It's the day before my birthday and it is another student's birthday (who I like) that day so if I do decide to hold a graduation I'll just have them make it a Happy Birthday cake haha. I think a bunch of us are going out as a joint birthday celebration that night too. I'm going to double check.

The next week my Grams, my mum and I are going to Pechanga which is a hotel and casino down in Temecula and we're going to stay over and play bingo and I plan on drinking my ass off. LOL.

I've also decided that for a graduation post, you know when I actually graduate it is going to be told in Jersey Shore gifs, because they totally apply.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Branding Yourself

For as long as I can remember I have never wanted to be me. I have never wanted the name Sara. No one ever spells it right and on top of that I've discovered 7 different spellings that are all pronounced the same. Sara, Sarah, Cera, Zareh (that was my favorite & I won $5 betting on the pronunciation), Carah, Sarrah and Serra. Plus a million trillion bajillion girls have the name Sara, Sarah, ect. I had 5 in my graduating class of 700, at one of the places I worked we had to add on last initials because there was 4 of us at one point and when I started beauty school the other girl who started the same day as me was also named Sara and also spelled it without an H. Then about 6 months in another Sara joined still no H. So I still have to use my last initial. I wish we could just go by last names but I think that's too football or something. I write my last name on everything and don't even bother with the first name. No point really because I don't want it.

In 2nd grade I tried writing different name on my paper. We didn't have a Julie, so I picked that. My teacher called my parents, she made a big deal about it and I just said I hated my name and wanted to change it.

I've always had this problem. My mom told me when I was 18 I could change it. Every time I moved to a new school she was like "just have them call you whatever you want." But no one ever would do it. I was supposed to be named Ivy. So I tacked Ivy onto my name or asked people to call me Ivy and everyone was always like "... why? That's not your name." Obviously, you don't get it. You don't hate your name the way I hate my name.

I've tried rebranding myself as Sara Ivy but every STILL just calls me Sara. So let's go with keeping in my actual name since all you assholes are refusing to cooperate with me when I say "I know my driver's license says this but I want you to call me blah because I go by blah." that we just call me by my initials S.E?

S.E, as in the letter S then the hard E sound (kind of like the nail polish brand Essie) - that's doable right? It's also my pen name. When I write, I publish under S.E Beason (just like it was e.e cummings) because when I first started sending out stuff I wanted to be slightly anonymous but still be me and still make my name famous. Little bit of hubris there but it works. I mean, doesn't everyone want to be famous?

I've grown out of not wanting to be me anymore. I like who I am, I've accepted what I look like (and have become exhausted with trying to change my appearance save for make up and hair) and I've accepted that not everyone is going to like me, even though being dumped on hurts like a mother fucker. These are not things many can say about themselves. I'm over the moon that I am lucky enough to have either given up or come to terms (it changes back and forth daily if not hourly) with myself. But that name thing, the name still has to go. Weird huh?

A lot of being a hair stylist is branding yourself. You will hear that in almost any profession - save like retail because you're selling someone else's brand then so it's not ideal to have your own. But anyways when everyone talks about marketing and branding themselves I guess I just want to be a little bit different. I don't want my brand to be like every one else. I don't want it to be similar. There's no other Coco Chanel except Coco Chanel. There's no one else like Karl Lagerfeld, Betsey Johnson, Ted Gibson, ect. I want that same thing. To be a unique little butterfly in a flourish of pretty things and people.

So if you're wondering where Sara Ivy went... well, she never really existed. But S.E has always been here, she was just kind of hiding and waiting to come out when she was ready. Hello world.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Anti-Social Sara Says Social Media Is Not Social

Dear Being of the Universe,

I am a nice person. Or so I'd like to think. People have told me I'm nice, generous, kind, ect. I've never really thought of myself as that until other people started to tell me. Then I kind of started saying, "you know what Sara? You're great."

Then the problems started. I think I became so obsessed with being nice, because I think I equated that to being liked that I started to assume other people acted the same way and the reason why people were well liked was because they were nice.

That's actually false. People in general are not nice. They are rude, inconsiderate and materialistic. If you do not have something they want, like a connection or something they can use, you are of no use to them and they don't want to talk to you or be your friend. They can't outright say this of course so they do whatever everyone does; be passive aggressive and ignore you.

That means when you ask if they want to go to Warped Tour with you they say that don't like the bands, can't afford it or some other lame excuse and then the day of Warped Tour all you see on your social media is status updates, tweets and instagram video's and pictures of the Warped Tour they supposedly weren't going to and while they are there having a grand old time you're sitting at home on Twitter going "mother fucker."

Or maybe that's just me.

This has happened three or four times now and I am just sick of it. So I deleted all my social media besides Twitter which I use for Celeb updates. To be honest I didn't actually "delete" my IG because I want the photos to still be there if I need them but I deleted my bio, my picture, the app and have stopped using it.

I don't want to see photo's of the events you didn't think to invite me to. Because I would have NEVER forgotten to invite you to an event that I know you'd want to go to. A.k.a anything to do with the Madden's for my GCfam. Like, let's just throw that out there - if you have time to invite people from out of state, you obviously have time to send some form of carrier pigeon at the very least to say hey this is going down, IDK if you can but it's a thing.

I mentioned this to someone else and they literally go "oh no, did you say to them 'we aren't friends anymore'? Because I would have." I just told them I was 25 and I didn't have time for petty shit. I'll just remove them from my social media and not worry about it. But for me that wasn't enough because they could still see my stuff and they could still contact me and try to stir up drama. I mean if they even still have my phone number they can still do it via phone but that would require effort. That would require noticing my absence from their feeds - which they haven't. Three weeks has gone by and not one of my so-called "friends" has even bothered to check and see if I'm still alive.

Thanks guys. That's almost as comforting at the time that NO ONE came to visit me in the hospital when I ALMOST DIED. If any one of them had been in the hospital I would have been there. But I'm nice, I guess they're not?

Because it really only seems like I miss you and all that counts when I can cart them around in my car to shows. It seems like I'm only good enough to be someone's friend when I can offer them something. How about just wanting to be around people because they are genuinely interested in you? Because those are the friends I want. Those are the people I want in my life - people that want to be around me.

The whole thing that pisses me off about this entire business is not that they don't want to be around me, but that they don't have and apparently couldn't borrow the balls to say "Sara, I don't want to be your friend, I don't enjoy hanging out with you." If they said that, yeah it would sting but I'd be like "Wow, ok" and it would be done. But people don't have those balls.

So if you're reading this and you think it could be about you, it probably is and if you'd like I will straight up tell you if I think you're a shitty friend and that I would rather just not associate with you anymore. If I see you out and about I will wave or say Hi and acknowledge your existence as a person but I don't want to be your fair weather friend. Nor do I want to be your friend on any type of Social Media because to be honest, liking my rant about shitty friends on FB when you're the shitty friend I am talking about because you're oblivious to the situation, is also not a conversation. So perhaps I am to blame for not calling you out on your dick moves, but people don't and/or shouldn't have to tell you you're a shitty friend. I think you already know it and if you don't well then that's worse. But either way it's so not my problem anymore.

Bye Felicia.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

No Communication

So the nice guy that I was hoping would confirm relationship status has been MIA for a while. So, that's not happening I guess.

We went to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've never been able to get through the first scene of the movie. It gets to "Damn It Janet" and I quit. I can't handle it. So I thought maybe this would be different. I gave it a shot. One of the cast members said something about a boyfriend and called me his girlfriend and when I asked him about it, because I texted my friend about that and he wanted to know what we were talking about, and he said he doesn't like labels.  I like labels. I LABELED MY CABINETS. IT'S A THING. I WANT A LABEL.

We got out late. I drove, so I had to drive him all the way home and then back to my place. I got home at 4am, texted him to let him know I made it home per his request and when he didn't respond I passed out. He text me the next morning to say he passed out glad I was home safe. I text him. No response.

His family came out for Memorial Day weekend - the family he doesn't like and they went to Disneyland. I saw plenty of pictures but still no contact. I figured he was busy with his family and that's why he didn't text. No FB contact either.

It's been awhile, he's obviously not interested any long. Now neither am I because after Rocky, on the way home I went into a sleepy rant about how if someone doesn't want to be friends with me it's best to just end it. To just rip it off like a bandaid and do it. Just say it if you don't want to be with me. Instead of doing this, he tried to be the nice guy by ignoring me, which I even warned him was not a "nice guy" move but a dick move, an asshole move and by not being forth coming about his feeling he was being an asshole.

I've experimented with being non-single again and have again found that Single-Sara is the best Sara.

No more insecurities. Because this guy made me feel super insecure and I always thought of myself as a secure person. But I found myself wanting to work out and eat better and I really paid attention to grooming and while I don't eat right or exercise because I hate exercise and I like salads as much as I like cheeseburgers but cheeseburgers are easier to obtain and cheaper, I found myself becoming unhealthy about it. I don't like that.

To sum everything up with one Gif, here you go:

Monday, May 5, 2014

Adventures in Dating: Okay Stupid

Greetings readers, have a lovely day? I want to share with you a really awkward experience that I had today.

I haven't confirmed a relationship with the guy I have been seeing as mentioned in a previous post. My friend said that he was probably seeing other people and that as long as I didn't sleep with any of them, seeing multiple people until someone bones up and says "let's be exclusive" is ok. I've never done it. I usually go on one or two dates with someone and then it fizzles out. Or I see that person once a month or something ridiculous like that and it is ongoing. But I'm usually pretty monogamous when it comes to dating. As in I don't even talk to other guys.

So I went out with a guy I had been talking to for a few days. He was actually very pushy when it came to meeting. We talked maybe twice on OKC before he sent me his phone number. Then he was very demanding about what I would say to him. As in, he text me good morning one day, so I text back good morning and he said nothing for 24 hours. Then this morning he text me and wanted to know if I was still interested in talking to him because he didn't think I was interested after I just said "good morning". So I was like, "that's a pretty standard reply, was I supposed to launch into some dramatic story or something without greeting you?" He stated that next time I needed to add a more personal touch like, "are you a morning person?" Reg flag was there but for some reason I only saw it as a yellow flag.

He asked me to come see him at work. I worked for the company he works for so we had that to talk about. I talked about my cat. Then I went to see him at work. I discovered that the pictures on his profile were obviously old because he looks more disheveled and not as well groomed in person. I got a little dolled up - I put on make up and lipstick and changed my shirt. I put some effort into it.

Then he gets off work so I assumed we were going to Starbucks or something to talk for a bit. We didn't. He got a phone call as soon as we got to the parking garage where he proceeded to tell the person that I was picking him up. LITERALLY the words "Sara just got here and picked me up" came out of his mouth and I was like UM HOLD UP, what am I doing?

He didn't have a car. He did not tell me he didn't have a car. I had no clue I was supposed to give him a ride home. So right then and there I wanted to leave his ass at his place of work. But I didn't. He then pulled out his CD, because wait for it - he is a musician! A rapper to be exact and I learned all about his lovely music on the ride to, wait for it, THE PARK! Because he didn't have money to eat, he had just had lunch not too long ago and he wasn't thirsty so no Starbucks either.

At this point I'm going through my head the number of people I can text to get me out of this fuck shit of a situation. Like a fucking tool I ride it out. I listen to him talk about how he knows this person and this person from this band and that band and how hard it is for him and how he is "making moves" and going to market himself and really put himself out there for his music. I learned about how in the next three weeks he is going on tour and he is going to make a ton of money and then move out of his friends house and at this point he's one of Charlie Browns' teachers.

I couldn't even listen to him until he started going on about girls and dating in LA. He slammed other girls, girls he called his friend but spoke their names like I knew them or something. I had to keep asking who each girl was. Then he proceeded to go on and on about how every girl puts that they want a man who is well groomed, well dressed, has a career that they are successful in, has their own place, has a car, ect and that they wanted the perfect man and that he didn't exist.

So I stopped him and told him that the perfect man did exist and that ANY MAN could fit that description if he put some effort into it. He had to read between the lines and figure out the subtext. He then asked me what subtext meant. I literally face palmed at this point and explained again what subtext meant and then was like "I have to go, where do you live I'll drop you off." I made an excuse that I needed to go pick up a jacket from a friend who lived in Woodland Hills by the Topanga Mall for a photoshoot I was doing tomorrow and I wouldn't have time to get it before the shoot. He then was like "I need a stylist, I need a hair stylist and someone to do a photo shoot." So I politely nodded and smiled and he was like "do you want to do it?"

At this point, I thought he meant have sex. I gave him the dirtiest, meanest look I could muster and was like "um no. I've known you for about 5 seconds and I'm not having sex with you. Probably ever." He then proceeded to tell me he meant a photoshoot but I just laughed and said sure dude before dropping him off.

The moral of the story is this, do not settle. There is a guy out there who is perfect just like there is a girl out there who is perfect. They are not perfect for everyone but they will be perfect for THEE ONE. Whoever their "the one" is will think the sun shines out of their ass and that their ass smells like roses no matter what.

This guy needed a fucking clue in more than one way and I attempted to give it to him but he really was just too out of it to get it. That's ok. Perhaps he will get his life together and get it someday but it sure as hell wasn't today.

Now the question for me is, will the guy I've been seeing for the last three weeks ever bone up and confirm us into a relationship? My heart wasn't into meeting this new person. I think I realized that today. I wasn't really looking for someone else but discovered that what I already kind of had is perfect for me and it proved that I don't really want anyone else.

Stay Tuned....

Monday, April 28, 2014

Dating Again...

I have begun to navigate the waters of that whole dating experience again. It's only been a year. I figure I'm not getting any younger.

"Why are you on here?" Could be answered many different ways. My most recent answer:
I'm really good at being alone but I don't like being lonely. I'm not one of those people that consistently have to be with someone, attached to someone to validate their life. That's never been me. Whenever I tell people I have a date they kind of cock their head to the side like a dog & are always surprised. It took me a long time to not be insulted by that & it was because everyone was always so used to me being alone. But every now and then I get lonely. I crave someone hand to hold. Someone to call when I have good news, bad news, when I'm bored, want to go see a movie, ect. Someone to do those things you can't or shouldn't do by yourself with. If any of that makes sense. 

I also referenced a poem I wrote that is on my profile:
 I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
But when I see a mother with her child;
A girl with her lover;
Or a friend laughing with their best friend;
I realize that even though I like being alone
I don’t fancy being lonely.

And yet guys still come back with that whole, "I'm looking for friends with benefits" line.

So let me make this clear: NO SEX. No sex, no making dinner, no introducing him to friends, family, ect. All those things that are important to girls that guys merely put up with because they are getting sex - none of that happens. ESPECIALLY THE SEX. Girls don't get it. Guys don't care about those things. They just don't, even if they say they do, they don't. That's why they don't ask you what your favorite flower is, they just get you whatever bouquet is cheapest at the grocery store. This is why they don't bother to find out your favorite food and bring it to you when you've had a rough day. This is why they don't bother to leave love notes on your mirror saying you're beautiful so you have a romantic start to a hard day. Because they only do these things once they are taught, or in order to get back into your good graces. Because when they are in your good graces they get sex.

Take that away and you hold all the power, again. So with holding protects you and your emotions until you are certain he is as emotionally invested in you as you are in him. At least, this is what I have deduced from every matchmaker, movie and other references on the social norms that dictate our society.

I've broken my own rule. I just did it in fact. I feel terrible right now. This feeling is the ultimate worst. So I've made a renewed effort to use that phrase over and over until it is tattooed to my eyelids and I see it when I go to sleep. To remind myself of this pity of regret that is dwelling in my stomach and causing me physical pain on top of my mental anguish.

I just didn't want to feel like I was pressuring him. Pressuring him to be in a relationship after the 1st or 2nd date seemed to be very clingy, needy, "that girl"-ish and frankly, I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship. But a girl has needs. Needs that were better met with my vibrator but I still wanted physical contact with someone besides myself. Re-read the poem.

But what I failed to realize in that moment, that I realize now and sparked the inspiration for this entry and forced me to write out physically so it was tangible and real and not a fleeting thought from a jumbled brain. What I realized was, he was pressuring me too and it would have been perfectly ok to pressure him back. He wanted something from me, I needed a commitment of exclusivity from him and had I maybe spoke up about my feelings then I could have avoided this insecurity I feel now about not knowing.  A control freak always needs to have information in order to obtain control but there's no information flowing. There's no black and white, cut and dry but a cloud full of messy, wet gray and gray is not a control freak color.

So next time, if there is a next time this will be my mantra. I need an emotional commitment in order to make a physical one. Once you go there physically it cannot be undone. The chase is gone, the mystery is gone and so is the guy. Lesson learned. Hopefully.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Relationship Station

So remember when I was all "I can be alone, I don't need anyone blah blah blah"? Yeah?  Remember how I also said I'd most likely end up needing reminded why I enjoy being alone? Because eventually I'll get that crazy itch to try being in a relationship? You remember? Time to kick my own ass again. I've actually considered reviving my OKCupid profile. YEAH that would be a mistake. But I've literally been fighting to urge for the past week.

I can't understand why. I have zero to offer someone right now. I literally just have me. I think about it all the time. I see a cute guy and I think to myself "you should go talk to him, maybe he's single" and then immediately I think "but what would you say? You aren't very good with speaking words, you've always been the best with writing them down. So what, you're going to go say hi and then say hold on one minute, type out something on your phone and hand it to them?" So I never go up to that guy. Then later on I scold myself for not doing it. But then I think again, what exactly would I be able to offer that person? What could I give them that they could not get anywhere else? A steady stream of sarcasm and wit? A beautifully concocted string of curse words for when they stub their toe or hit their elbow on a doorway? How about a parody of their favorite song? I mean, it's kind of a specialty of mine to hear a song like "Single Ladies" and turn "All the single ladies" into something ridiculous like "all the crazy kitties, all the crazy kitties. all the crazy kitties, all the crazy kitties. Now put your paw up." Yeah. That's me.

I've recently become OBSESSED with The Darling Bud's music.  There's a line in Stay With Me that goes "it hurts like hell because it seems like nobody wants me. I know damn well I can be a terrible bore." Well, fuck if that ain't me. I've always been a sucker for a good lyric. Something that I can easily relate to or something so god damn catchy that it resonates in my mind so loud and so clear that it reverberates in my soul too. Then it is just stuck and the only way to get it out is to literally drown myself in it. You know how people say "sorry" so much that it literally has no meaning? We now move onto "I apologize" or "I am so deeply and truly sorry" because sorry by itself just isn't enough anymore... well, that's how it is with something like that. You just have to keep desensitizing yourself to it.

I've never had the fellas knocking down my door. This is something NONE of my friends know anything about. I've always been the single girl in my group. My best friends have always been the most beautiful people on the planet and everyone worships at their altar. I've had several guys dates me just to try and get close to my friends. I half expect it now. I always try to think what it is that they have that I do not besides looks. There's obviously not much else besides plastic surgery that I can do to change that.  I don't want to change how I look. I truly and genuinely like myself (most days). So I guess when I put up a profile and no one is messaging me I get discourage and I start to hate myself a bit because I want to know what's wrong with me? Why do guys just not want to be with a strong, intelligent, independent woman who knows exactly who she is and what she wants from life and from other people?

I mean why cannot I not find someone who likes back rubs? Who doesn't like finding a silly note that says "I love you" or "I miss you already" or some kind of inside joke on their car windshield or inside their bathroom medicine cabinet? I mean, that's cute right? Why can't I make someone dinner because I feel like it? Why can't I be the person someone tells their secrets to? Why can't I be the one they want to tell first when they get some really big exciting news? I do not understand how I cannot fill that space. I also don't understand how I can express that to someone without it being weird.

The speech of, "I don't want to marry you. I don't want to have a million babies with you. You don't have to meet my mum or my grams and I don't care if I don't meet your family (but it would be nice eventually). But I would like to hold your hand and call you first when something goes right or when something goes wrong so you can console or congratulate me and maybe eventually just have really hot rough sexual encounters on a regular basis." doesn't exactly roll right off the tongue. Although, most guys just want the last part. But I want a beginning a middle and perhaps if it doesn't work an end. I'm not terrified of relationships ending. Nothing last forever. We all hope the train doesn't stop but it can't go on forever. That's just not realistic. But this lonely train I am on has been going for 25 years and I'd like it to stop and let someone on. So we could ride together for awhile until it's one of our stops. Ya dig?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Adult Life? Wot?

I'm completely moved into my new flat. My mom is completely moved into her new house. I have interwebz, all is right in the world.

I wish this was what my place looked like but alas, tis not.

  • I make my own dinners. Wot?
  • I have to clean floors, dust and do dishes because there is no one else to do them. Wot?
  • If I don't go to class I will see no other humans. Wot?
  • I don't have a couch so I sat awkwardly on my bed while the technician installed my internet. I spent the entire time wondering if I should stand because sitting on my bed staring at him might have been suggestive and/or the beginning to a horrible soft porn romance novel. WOT?!
I am an adult? When did that happen? What is adult life? I've been trying to figure out my life and it's weird but having my own place feels right. Like it should have always been this way and I've been too stupid to figure it out but it finally just clicked.

I'll take pictures once I've painted and everything looks cute. Ya know because that's important!

I don't have much else to write about right now. Perhaps I'll just write about the fact that I hate that my cat climbs on everything. She's broken two things recently and I want to spank her little bottom for it but I resist because 1) I don't really believe in that kind of stuff and 2) She's already so skittish. All I ever do is hiss at her and tell her no and she seems to get it at the time but apparently not the point that I don't want her to do it again.
If I tape thumb tacks to all the counter tops for like a day and let her find out that way, would that be animal cruelty? I won't really do it but I fantasize about it at 3 am when she knocks a glass over into the sink and it wakes me from a dead sleep and nearly gives me a heart attack.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

My New Flat

You guys, I did a thing... I have my own place.

Don't judge me but it took me until I was 25 to do it. I've lived in many places. I've lived with friends, I've slept on couches, in my car, in bathrooms, on the street with my Grams, with my mom, ect. But I've never had a place that was mine.

You know what my favorite part is? I CAN WALK AROUND IN THE BUFF AND NO ONE WILL WALK IN ON ME. Alright, I don't do it often but even when I have my own room and my own bathroom I still cover my breasts (even if the door is shut) and race across the doorway to get to my phone from the bathroom. Often because my phone is plugged in on the wall furthest from my room & in the morning if I don't keep myself to a 15 minute schedule I'll leave late. Leaving even 5 minutes later than normal in L.A can result in being an hour late somewhere. It's ridiculous but this is how Angelino's live.

I still need to paint but my kitchen is pretty much done. My bathroom has all my extras - I literally only kept what I would take with me if I were vacationing for a week somewhere. Tomorrow I'm going to take all but my dirty laundry which I intend to finish doing and then save only a weeks worth of clothing from that. Next is all my crafting supplies. I'm a little old lady so I like to scrapbook & paint and do little doodles. Then it's literally my TV, DVD player, computer and big items like my bed, a few tables, two bookshelves and a file cabinet. THATS IT FOLKS! Then I'm fully moved into my new place.

It scares me. You know, when I was having my gall bladder issues I woke my mom up and said "mumma, it's time to go to the ER" and she took me. Now she's going to be at minimum 30 minutes away (that's with zero traffic & by that I mean about 100 cars on the road compared to the thousands that it usually are on it) and if there's a problem I will have to call 911 or drive myself. It's a weird concept and I'm not sure why it matters. It's not like I haven't lived on my own before. For a year and a half I lived 3000 miles from her and had no qualms about it. Maybe it was because I moved away from her and moved that far on purpose, to kind of punish her but we'll talk about that some other time.

I'm not sure what I expect of the new place. Perhaps I'll finally feel lonely. But then I can invite people over and not have to worry about certain things. For example, none of my boyfriends ever really met my mom because I NEVER wanted to bring them over to my house. For one reason or another. When I was dating one guy, my mom and I lived in a one bedroom and she let me have the bedroom and slept in the living room. I tried to sneak in with a guy without waking her up - it didn't happen and so I had to introduce her to my drunk friend at like 3 am. It was awful. After that I have never brought a guy over. I usually don't even let them pick me up if we're going on a date. Now I don't have to worry about that. I can even have sex under my own roof! I have this thing where it has to be just us. I've done it with other people where in the apartment or house, maybe in another room and I was always terrified they could hear. That stuff is private and when you're "in the moment" you don't really think "oh hey can this guys room mate hear me? Am I making a weird noise and not realizing it?" I mean c'mon! Sometimes you're self conscious enough as it is, do you really need to worry about your sounds and inconveniencing another person or people too? But I don't particularly concern myself with this issue because, yeah well, I'm not involved with anyone. So moving on.

I kind of feel bad for my cat. Typical cat lady comment but she hasn't ever been alone before. Since I first got her and her sister who is my moms cat, she's always had a buddy. Shylo, one of my moms dogs chases her around a lot and she's skittish so she just runs from him. I doubt she'll miss him. She never really bothered with Luna (my mom's other dog) & Luna never cares about her and the lizards and bird are not of consequence. But in the new place she will have no friends. Nothing to keep her company or to play with her until I come home and that's kind of sad. Hopefully she does ok but I'll be fucking heart broken if she seems depressed or becomes one of those cats that sleep all the time. Maybe this will be good for her.

So that's pretty much it. I'll take pictures and post them once I get settled in and HOPEFULLY painted.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Truth About Regrets

You know what is one saying I have never quite gotten? "Have no regrets." It's like saying "never take a chance" or "Play it safe all the time." But truth is, if you have no regrets then you haven't really lived life because sometimes you have to roll the dice.

To this day, my biggest regret is still a friend I had made. But friend wouldn't quite be the right word for it. We were friends. We tried to be more. Somewhere in the balance something went terribly, terribly wrong. It's the one time I was truly selfish and it's the one blemish someone could use as evidence that I'm not the squeaky clean good person I try to be.

Sometimes you have to take a chance, sometimes you cannot play it safe and sometimes you fail. Having regrets means that you had the courage to risk it and were ok with taking the consequence. Regrets mean you were brave, you had to courage to look failure in the face and say "ok, you win this round." I took a chance. I opened up to someone and they lied to me. It was a risk and I hated what it did to me, what I went through. Life got me but that's ok, it got him too.

Update: So I was curious, as to why I felt like, you know, writing about this horrid story, this awful chapter in my life and the person I originally wrote this blog about (but have since deleted) wrote to me on my LJ... and said:
"Funny reading this. You were right in so many ways. Logged in here to find a book that I wrote in rehab. Know last time I spoked to you, you were drunk, and in a different state of mind...anyways, hope all is well. Thank you for helping my young childish mind back then..and sorry for all the bullshit I caused you."
He wrote it a month ago. I want to write back but I'm probably just druging up the past. This was the last message I sent to him on LJ and it's as true now as it was then.
"I can't tell you not to come to california. It's a free country and all. But I get worried that if you do some to california that you might expect something and you shouldn't expect anything. I don't want this to turn into an "I came to california for you" kind of thing. If you go to Cal Arts and you come to California it has to be for you. Its a big world, there are soooo many people out there.

I used to want songs and albums written about me. I guess getting your wish sucks sometimes because I know that with all the positive songs I've influenced I know there are bad ones too. 
I remember being little and listening to "Faithfully" by Journey and thinking to myself "I want to be the girl he wrote that song about. I want someone to care about me that much." I just didn't know what I was asking for ya know? So I used to wish on stars for it. I still sometimes do. Although happiness and money and for "problems to go away" slip in there more often I still kind of wish for it. But that's a bad idea and I'm going to stop. 

I have a muse too. It's not someone I enjoy writing about but every time I talk to my muse or come in contact with them poetry, songs, stories just pour out of me and I don't ever want to let them go because I feel like if I do then I'm never going to write again. I think this is what you are going through. Someday you'll find a new one. Hell, it's taken me YEARS to get over my muse, but I still have this one last connection. It's ridiculous and I hate it but you can't shut emotions off. You just have to deal with them. You just have to manage them better and it takes time and practice and you'll never get it right 100% of the time. You'll be lucky to do it at 50%. maybe 60% at best and then you have to contend with the emotions that brings on. It's a mess but you don't have a choice.

I know how long it has been. I hoped that had been enough time for you to see. I hoped the silence would have shown you how easy it is to move on from your childhood crush. Once you find another person to attach your fascination onto you'll see. Then you'll laugh and realize how silly this all was. Then we can be friends, but not before and definitely not until you turn 18. 

I realize I broke the silence and that it was my fault because I should have never written that blog, that I should have at least taken it down. I'm sorry for drudging up all the crap. I didn't mean to. But that silence we had before, it has to go back to that. Sorry. "

I think I need to just... copy & paste the end of that. The last paragraph. I doubt he'd even read it. I'm just lonely tonight I guess. But I know if I write something other than "it's whatever, bye" I'll regret it. I doubt it's a risk I want to take.

Friday, January 31, 2014

London Calling

There's a multitude of places I want to travel and several things that I want to do within those places. I have a travel bucket list because literally the only things on my bucket list involve travel. One of the places I've always wanted to visit was England, specifically London. I'm half Mexican and the other half is a mix of English and Irish. Anyways, this blog isn't to blog about my ancestors it's to blog about you guessed it LONDON!

I have so many things I want to do but here's like my top 10 and if you know me, you should know the first 3 things involve food and only 2 involve fashion. What gives?

10. Eat at Coach and Horses

Ok it sounds kind of dumb, but my friend told me about this thing that was held here, it was like a WWII dinner party and she said the food was to die for and the decor was absolutely stunning and to my taste and ever since I wanted to eat there. So I plan too.
9. Find the best Pizza in London.

I have been recommended several places by people who have been to London or currently live there and I intend to try them all. It's not a very long list so I'm not going to post it but my belly is aching for this. Especially since I had pizza for lunch today. Such a happy tummy right now.
8. Drink one pint of a different type of hard apple cider in a pub every night I am in England/London. YUM.

I don't like beer really. I try and I try and every time I think I've found my drink, you know, one I can stand I basically barf. I however LOVE hard cider. Pear Cider or Apple Cider doesn't matter. So, because hard cider is actually a British drink originally I'm determined to have some cider every day I'm in England/London and I am determined for it to be a different brand every time. See if I like one better than the other and they have to be UK brands - no American cider because obviously I can get that shit here. A few I'm excited to try are Magners, Blackthorn, Carling, Thatchers and Somersby. There's so much more but those are like my top 5.
7. Bug a Buckingham Palace Guard

Honestly, who doesn't go do this when they go to London? Who doesn't visit Royals when their country has no monarchy? If you don't you're an idiot. This is pretty much a requirement.

6. Piccadilly Circus + Cinema

Piccadilly Circus is the Times Square of London, so naturally I want to go but after visiting Harrods I doubt I'll have money left to buy anything. Luckily for me there's a movie theater or Cinema because that's what it's called over there and I just want to go hang out. Sounds kind of weird but I LOVE British film and tv programs. Their reality TV is a million times better than American TV. Gogglebox is all I have to say. Oh and the Undateables. Plus, they have Sherlock and Dr. Who. REST MY CASE!

5. Ride a double decker to all the touristy sites

I have friends who can show me a good time and show me certain things about London but I totally want to be a tourist. Whenever someone comes to L.A for the first time I saw them all the touristy crap. I love it. I love being a tourist in my own city and I like being a tourist in other cities. It's just fun. I want to buy a cheesy british flag key chain or something or maybe an I heart London t-shirt with Big Ben on it, the list is endless but nothing screams IGNORANT AMERICAN like snappin' polaroids from a double decker bus!

4. Visit Harrods

Harrods is a store in Chelsea that has like 330 departments and is the biggest department store in Europe. Its fucking ridiculous and I can't wait to go. I probably won't be able to buy a lot, it'll be mostly window shopping for me but still I want to be able to say "I came, I saw, I left with my wallet weeping and my heart screaming GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!"

3.  The London Dungeon

Alright, if you know anything on London then you know acting and theater is HUGE here. Like ridiculously huge. As in, fuck Broadway, plays and such were made famous here.  If you know me, you know I like the creepy, the kooky and the weird stuffs so naturally I'd find something right up my alley and is the perfect combo of the two. The London Dungeon recreates various gory and macabre historical events. They do performances of Sweeny Todd, Guy Fawkes (V for Vendetta anyone? They recreate the Gun powder Plot!) and my favorite JACK THE RIPPER / THE WHITE CHAPEL MURDERS! Seriously, I love that shit. It's the next thing on my Bucket list! 
"You are clearly of above average intelligence and attractiveness. You'll fit in perfectly with the rest of our colourful characters!" - taken from their "can you handle it personality test.

2. Visit White Chapel District, Pemberly, Westminster Abbey and a few other literary or historically famous places

Who read Pride and Prejudice and doesn't want to see where Mr. Darcy lived? Who doesn't want to visit the famous places Thomas Hardy wrote about in Tess D'Uberville? You're a fucking nutjob if you said no because I definitely want to see how these places that I've only dreamed about in my head actually look. Also, when I was little I told my mom if I had to be buried the only place I'd want to be buried is Westminster Abbey. I didn't know it was for royals. OH, PRINCE HARRY! I like gingers. *hint hint*

1.  Find & Marry the Blonde Hunky Dunk in the Middle

If none of the people in that photo give you the biggest lady boner you need to take your pulse. The blondie in the middle - his name is Jamie Campbell Bower and he's my celeb crush. If I can't get him I am certain that London is full of charming chaps who would love to hang out with me. And so who am I to deny a boy with an ACCENT?! Good clothing/fashion sense? Tattoos? Accents? All of these things are acceptable and more. So can I get a british hunk to escort me around town and then take me back to his flat where I fall in love with him? YES PLEASE. SIGN ME UP. LET'S GO.
So that's my London Bucket List! What do you guys think? You know, besides celeb stalking it's pretty good right? LOL.