Monday, March 10, 2014

Relationship Station

So remember when I was all "I can be alone, I don't need anyone blah blah blah"? Yeah?  Remember how I also said I'd most likely end up needing reminded why I enjoy being alone? Because eventually I'll get that crazy itch to try being in a relationship? You remember? Time to kick my own ass again. I've actually considered reviving my OKCupid profile. YEAH that would be a mistake. But I've literally been fighting to urge for the past week.

I can't understand why. I have zero to offer someone right now. I literally just have me. I think about it all the time. I see a cute guy and I think to myself "you should go talk to him, maybe he's single" and then immediately I think "but what would you say? You aren't very good with speaking words, you've always been the best with writing them down. So what, you're going to go say hi and then say hold on one minute, type out something on your phone and hand it to them?" So I never go up to that guy. Then later on I scold myself for not doing it. But then I think again, what exactly would I be able to offer that person? What could I give them that they could not get anywhere else? A steady stream of sarcasm and wit? A beautifully concocted string of curse words for when they stub their toe or hit their elbow on a doorway? How about a parody of their favorite song? I mean, it's kind of a specialty of mine to hear a song like "Single Ladies" and turn "All the single ladies" into something ridiculous like "all the crazy kitties, all the crazy kitties. all the crazy kitties, all the crazy kitties. Now put your paw up." Yeah. That's me.

I've recently become OBSESSED with The Darling Bud's music.  There's a line in Stay With Me that goes "it hurts like hell because it seems like nobody wants me. I know damn well I can be a terrible bore." Well, fuck if that ain't me. I've always been a sucker for a good lyric. Something that I can easily relate to or something so god damn catchy that it resonates in my mind so loud and so clear that it reverberates in my soul too. Then it is just stuck and the only way to get it out is to literally drown myself in it. You know how people say "sorry" so much that it literally has no meaning? We now move onto "I apologize" or "I am so deeply and truly sorry" because sorry by itself just isn't enough anymore... well, that's how it is with something like that. You just have to keep desensitizing yourself to it.

I've never had the fellas knocking down my door. This is something NONE of my friends know anything about. I've always been the single girl in my group. My best friends have always been the most beautiful people on the planet and everyone worships at their altar. I've had several guys dates me just to try and get close to my friends. I half expect it now. I always try to think what it is that they have that I do not besides looks. There's obviously not much else besides plastic surgery that I can do to change that.  I don't want to change how I look. I truly and genuinely like myself (most days). So I guess when I put up a profile and no one is messaging me I get discourage and I start to hate myself a bit because I want to know what's wrong with me? Why do guys just not want to be with a strong, intelligent, independent woman who knows exactly who she is and what she wants from life and from other people?

I mean why cannot I not find someone who likes back rubs? Who doesn't like finding a silly note that says "I love you" or "I miss you already" or some kind of inside joke on their car windshield or inside their bathroom medicine cabinet? I mean, that's cute right? Why can't I make someone dinner because I feel like it? Why can't I be the person someone tells their secrets to? Why can't I be the one they want to tell first when they get some really big exciting news? I do not understand how I cannot fill that space. I also don't understand how I can express that to someone without it being weird.

The speech of, "I don't want to marry you. I don't want to have a million babies with you. You don't have to meet my mum or my grams and I don't care if I don't meet your family (but it would be nice eventually). But I would like to hold your hand and call you first when something goes right or when something goes wrong so you can console or congratulate me and maybe eventually just have really hot rough sexual encounters on a regular basis." doesn't exactly roll right off the tongue. Although, most guys just want the last part. But I want a beginning a middle and perhaps if it doesn't work an end. I'm not terrified of relationships ending. Nothing last forever. We all hope the train doesn't stop but it can't go on forever. That's just not realistic. But this lonely train I am on has been going for 25 years and I'd like it to stop and let someone on. So we could ride together for awhile until it's one of our stops. Ya dig?

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