Wednesday, February 19, 2014

My New Flat

You guys, I did a thing... I have my own place.

Don't judge me but it took me until I was 25 to do it. I've lived in many places. I've lived with friends, I've slept on couches, in my car, in bathrooms, on the street with my Grams, with my mom, ect. But I've never had a place that was mine.

You know what my favorite part is? I CAN WALK AROUND IN THE BUFF AND NO ONE WILL WALK IN ON ME. Alright, I don't do it often but even when I have my own room and my own bathroom I still cover my breasts (even if the door is shut) and race across the doorway to get to my phone from the bathroom. Often because my phone is plugged in on the wall furthest from my room & in the morning if I don't keep myself to a 15 minute schedule I'll leave late. Leaving even 5 minutes later than normal in L.A can result in being an hour late somewhere. It's ridiculous but this is how Angelino's live.

I still need to paint but my kitchen is pretty much done. My bathroom has all my extras - I literally only kept what I would take with me if I were vacationing for a week somewhere. Tomorrow I'm going to take all but my dirty laundry which I intend to finish doing and then save only a weeks worth of clothing from that. Next is all my crafting supplies. I'm a little old lady so I like to scrapbook & paint and do little doodles. Then it's literally my TV, DVD player, computer and big items like my bed, a few tables, two bookshelves and a file cabinet. THATS IT FOLKS! Then I'm fully moved into my new place.

It scares me. You know, when I was having my gall bladder issues I woke my mom up and said "mumma, it's time to go to the ER" and she took me. Now she's going to be at minimum 30 minutes away (that's with zero traffic & by that I mean about 100 cars on the road compared to the thousands that it usually are on it) and if there's a problem I will have to call 911 or drive myself. It's a weird concept and I'm not sure why it matters. It's not like I haven't lived on my own before. For a year and a half I lived 3000 miles from her and had no qualms about it. Maybe it was because I moved away from her and moved that far on purpose, to kind of punish her but we'll talk about that some other time.

I'm not sure what I expect of the new place. Perhaps I'll finally feel lonely. But then I can invite people over and not have to worry about certain things. For example, none of my boyfriends ever really met my mom because I NEVER wanted to bring them over to my house. For one reason or another. When I was dating one guy, my mom and I lived in a one bedroom and she let me have the bedroom and slept in the living room. I tried to sneak in with a guy without waking her up - it didn't happen and so I had to introduce her to my drunk friend at like 3 am. It was awful. After that I have never brought a guy over. I usually don't even let them pick me up if we're going on a date. Now I don't have to worry about that. I can even have sex under my own roof! I have this thing where it has to be just us. I've done it with other people where in the apartment or house, maybe in another room and I was always terrified they could hear. That stuff is private and when you're "in the moment" you don't really think "oh hey can this guys room mate hear me? Am I making a weird noise and not realizing it?" I mean c'mon! Sometimes you're self conscious enough as it is, do you really need to worry about your sounds and inconveniencing another person or people too? But I don't particularly concern myself with this issue because, yeah well, I'm not involved with anyone. So moving on.

I kind of feel bad for my cat. Typical cat lady comment but she hasn't ever been alone before. Since I first got her and her sister who is my moms cat, she's always had a buddy. Shylo, one of my moms dogs chases her around a lot and she's skittish so she just runs from him. I doubt she'll miss him. She never really bothered with Luna (my mom's other dog) & Luna never cares about her and the lizards and bird are not of consequence. But in the new place she will have no friends. Nothing to keep her company or to play with her until I come home and that's kind of sad. Hopefully she does ok but I'll be fucking heart broken if she seems depressed or becomes one of those cats that sleep all the time. Maybe this will be good for her.

So that's pretty much it. I'll take pictures and post them once I get settled in and HOPEFULLY painted.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Truth About Regrets

You know what is one saying I have never quite gotten? "Have no regrets." It's like saying "never take a chance" or "Play it safe all the time." But truth is, if you have no regrets then you haven't really lived life because sometimes you have to roll the dice.

To this day, my biggest regret is still a friend I had made. But friend wouldn't quite be the right word for it. We were friends. We tried to be more. Somewhere in the balance something went terribly, terribly wrong. It's the one time I was truly selfish and it's the one blemish someone could use as evidence that I'm not the squeaky clean good person I try to be.

Sometimes you have to take a chance, sometimes you cannot play it safe and sometimes you fail. Having regrets means that you had the courage to risk it and were ok with taking the consequence. Regrets mean you were brave, you had to courage to look failure in the face and say "ok, you win this round." I took a chance. I opened up to someone and they lied to me. It was a risk and I hated what it did to me, what I went through. Life got me but that's ok, it got him too.

Update: So I was curious, as to why I felt like, you know, writing about this horrid story, this awful chapter in my life and the person I originally wrote this blog about (but have since deleted) wrote to me on my LJ... and said:
"Funny reading this. You were right in so many ways. Logged in here to find a book that I wrote in rehab. Know last time I spoked to you, you were drunk, and in a different state of mind...anyways, hope all is well. Thank you for helping my young childish mind back then..and sorry for all the bullshit I caused you."
He wrote it a month ago. I want to write back but I'm probably just druging up the past. This was the last message I sent to him on LJ and it's as true now as it was then.
"I can't tell you not to come to california. It's a free country and all. But I get worried that if you do some to california that you might expect something and you shouldn't expect anything. I don't want this to turn into an "I came to california for you" kind of thing. If you go to Cal Arts and you come to California it has to be for you. Its a big world, there are soooo many people out there.

I used to want songs and albums written about me. I guess getting your wish sucks sometimes because I know that with all the positive songs I've influenced I know there are bad ones too. 
I remember being little and listening to "Faithfully" by Journey and thinking to myself "I want to be the girl he wrote that song about. I want someone to care about me that much." I just didn't know what I was asking for ya know? So I used to wish on stars for it. I still sometimes do. Although happiness and money and for "problems to go away" slip in there more often I still kind of wish for it. But that's a bad idea and I'm going to stop. 

I have a muse too. It's not someone I enjoy writing about but every time I talk to my muse or come in contact with them poetry, songs, stories just pour out of me and I don't ever want to let them go because I feel like if I do then I'm never going to write again. I think this is what you are going through. Someday you'll find a new one. Hell, it's taken me YEARS to get over my muse, but I still have this one last connection. It's ridiculous and I hate it but you can't shut emotions off. You just have to deal with them. You just have to manage them better and it takes time and practice and you'll never get it right 100% of the time. You'll be lucky to do it at 50%. maybe 60% at best and then you have to contend with the emotions that brings on. It's a mess but you don't have a choice.

I know how long it has been. I hoped that had been enough time for you to see. I hoped the silence would have shown you how easy it is to move on from your childhood crush. Once you find another person to attach your fascination onto you'll see. Then you'll laugh and realize how silly this all was. Then we can be friends, but not before and definitely not until you turn 18. 

I realize I broke the silence and that it was my fault because I should have never written that blog, that I should have at least taken it down. I'm sorry for drudging up all the crap. I didn't mean to. But that silence we had before, it has to go back to that. Sorry. "

I think I need to just... copy & paste the end of that. The last paragraph. I doubt he'd even read it. I'm just lonely tonight I guess. But I know if I write something other than "it's whatever, bye" I'll regret it. I doubt it's a risk I want to take.