Monday, April 28, 2014

Dating Again...

I have begun to navigate the waters of that whole dating experience again. It's only been a year. I figure I'm not getting any younger.

"Why are you on here?" Could be answered many different ways. My most recent answer:
I'm really good at being alone but I don't like being lonely. I'm not one of those people that consistently have to be with someone, attached to someone to validate their life. That's never been me. Whenever I tell people I have a date they kind of cock their head to the side like a dog & are always surprised. It took me a long time to not be insulted by that & it was because everyone was always so used to me being alone. But every now and then I get lonely. I crave someone hand to hold. Someone to call when I have good news, bad news, when I'm bored, want to go see a movie, ect. Someone to do those things you can't or shouldn't do by yourself with. If any of that makes sense. 

I also referenced a poem I wrote that is on my profile:
 I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
But when I see a mother with her child;
A girl with her lover;
Or a friend laughing with their best friend;
I realize that even though I like being alone
I don’t fancy being lonely.

And yet guys still come back with that whole, "I'm looking for friends with benefits" line.

So let me make this clear: NO SEX. No sex, no making dinner, no introducing him to friends, family, ect. All those things that are important to girls that guys merely put up with because they are getting sex - none of that happens. ESPECIALLY THE SEX. Girls don't get it. Guys don't care about those things. They just don't, even if they say they do, they don't. That's why they don't ask you what your favorite flower is, they just get you whatever bouquet is cheapest at the grocery store. This is why they don't bother to find out your favorite food and bring it to you when you've had a rough day. This is why they don't bother to leave love notes on your mirror saying you're beautiful so you have a romantic start to a hard day. Because they only do these things once they are taught, or in order to get back into your good graces. Because when they are in your good graces they get sex.

Take that away and you hold all the power, again. So with holding protects you and your emotions until you are certain he is as emotionally invested in you as you are in him. At least, this is what I have deduced from every matchmaker, movie and other references on the social norms that dictate our society.

I've broken my own rule. I just did it in fact. I feel terrible right now. This feeling is the ultimate worst. So I've made a renewed effort to use that phrase over and over until it is tattooed to my eyelids and I see it when I go to sleep. To remind myself of this pity of regret that is dwelling in my stomach and causing me physical pain on top of my mental anguish.

I just didn't want to feel like I was pressuring him. Pressuring him to be in a relationship after the 1st or 2nd date seemed to be very clingy, needy, "that girl"-ish and frankly, I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship. But a girl has needs. Needs that were better met with my vibrator but I still wanted physical contact with someone besides myself. Re-read the poem.

But what I failed to realize in that moment, that I realize now and sparked the inspiration for this entry and forced me to write out physically so it was tangible and real and not a fleeting thought from a jumbled brain. What I realized was, he was pressuring me too and it would have been perfectly ok to pressure him back. He wanted something from me, I needed a commitment of exclusivity from him and had I maybe spoke up about my feelings then I could have avoided this insecurity I feel now about not knowing.  A control freak always needs to have information in order to obtain control but there's no information flowing. There's no black and white, cut and dry but a cloud full of messy, wet gray and gray is not a control freak color.

So next time, if there is a next time this will be my mantra. I need an emotional commitment in order to make a physical one. Once you go there physically it cannot be undone. The chase is gone, the mystery is gone and so is the guy. Lesson learned. Hopefully.

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