Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Dear Daddy, 2014

Today is the 15th nnivesary of your death. So much has happened, so much has changed and you're not here to see any of it. You're not here to help me through any of it. I graduated from cosmetology school and mom's boyfriend was where you should have been. It sucked. I have nothing against Tracy but it should have been you. It always should have been you. For everything.
I understand. I know I say it every year, I say every year that I understand your choice but I hate. I still hate it after 15 years of trying to deal with it. I've read books about cancer patients and I have talked to people with cancer and I know what they say but I still wanted the opportunity to say goodbye.

This year in the media there was an article about a woman who chose to end her life on hr own terms. Her family moved to Oregon, completed a bucket list and then on Nov 1st, she used Oregon's laws to end her own life. We could have done that. You could have made that choice with us and it could have been easier to deal with. I could have prepared mentally or something.

I still cry about you. I wish I could stop. I'm still so mad that I want to reserve my tears for someone deserving of them. I still want to remind you that you'll never hold a grandchild, that you'll never be there for so many things but this year and right now that one kills me. This is what I think about when I see little kid outfits, when my friends are coming up with names I think about what I would name my kid and it just sucks because I want to stick yours in there but how do I explain why I chose to name my kid after my dad who didn't care about me enough to stick around to see me grow up? You could have tried to fight this but you chickened out. I want a warrior for a kid so how could I name my would-be-warrior after a chicken shit who ran from cancer rather than choosing to fight it?

I just miss you. I wish that I didn't want to tear you apart before I would hug you if I ever saw you again. Part of me thinks your decision to end your own life made me that way. That I'd rather fight then show my love, show my weakness because you never fought it.

I don't know what else I could write that I haven't written for the last 14 of these. I just know I'd never do what you did to my family. They come first.

I love you, I miss you; until next year.

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