To this day, my biggest regret is still a friend I had made. But friend wouldn't quite be the right word for it. We were friends. We tried to be more. Somewhere in the balance something went terribly, terribly wrong. It's the one time I was truly selfish and it's the one blemish someone could use as evidence that I'm not the squeaky clean good person I try to be.
Sometimes you have to take a chance, sometimes you cannot play it safe and sometimes you fail. Having regrets means that you had the courage to risk it and were ok with taking the consequence. Regrets mean you were brave, you had to courage to look failure in the face and say "ok, you win this round." I took a chance. I opened up to someone and they lied to me. It was a risk and I hated what it did to me, what I went through. Life got me but that's ok, it got him too.
Update: So I was curious, as to why I felt like, you know, writing about this horrid story, this awful chapter in my life and the person I originally wrote this blog about (but have since deleted) wrote to me on my LJ... and said:
"Funny reading this. You were right in so many ways. Logged in here to find a book that I wrote in rehab. Know last time I spoked to you, you were drunk, and in a different state of mind...anyways, hope all is well. Thank you for helping my young childish mind back then..and sorry for all the bullshit I caused you."He wrote it a month ago. I want to write back but I'm probably just druging up the past. This was the last message I sent to him on LJ and it's as true now as it was then.
"I can't tell you not to come to california. It's a free country and all. But I get worried that if you do some to california that you might expect something and you shouldn't expect anything. I don't want this to turn into an "I came to california for you" kind of thing. If you go to Cal Arts and you come to California it has to be for you. Its a big world, there are soooo many people out there.
I used to want songs and albums written about me. I guess getting your wish sucks sometimes because I know that with all the positive songs I've influenced I know there are bad ones too.
I remember being little and listening to "Faithfully" by Journey and thinking to myself "I want to be the girl he wrote that song about. I want someone to care about me that much." I just didn't know what I was asking for ya know? So I used to wish on stars for it. I still sometimes do. Although happiness and money and for "problems to go away" slip in there more often I still kind of wish for it. But that's a bad idea and I'm going to stop.
I have a muse too. It's not someone I enjoy writing about but every time I talk to my muse or come in contact with them poetry, songs, stories just pour out of me and I don't ever want to let them go because I feel like if I do then I'm never going to write again. I think this is what you are going through. Someday you'll find a new one. Hell, it's taken me YEARS to get over my muse, but I still have this one last connection. It's ridiculous and I hate it but you can't shut emotions off. You just have to deal with them. You just have to manage them better and it takes time and practice and you'll never get it right 100% of the time. You'll be lucky to do it at 50%. maybe 60% at best and then you have to contend with the emotions that brings on. It's a mess but you don't have a choice.
I know how long it has been. I hoped that had been enough time for you to see. I hoped the silence would have shown you how easy it is to move on from your childhood crush. Once you find another person to attach your fascination onto you'll see. Then you'll laugh and realize how silly this all was. Then we can be friends, but not before and definitely not until you turn 18.
I realize I broke the silence and that it was my fault because I should have never written that blog, that I should have at least taken it down. I'm sorry for drudging up all the crap. I didn't mean to. But that silence we had before, it has to go back to that. Sorry. "
I think I need to just... copy & paste the end of that. The last paragraph. I doubt he'd even read it. I'm just lonely tonight I guess. But I know if I write something other than "it's whatever, bye" I'll regret it. I doubt it's a risk I want to take.