No Communication

So the nice guy that I was hoping would confirm relationship status has been MIA for a while. So, that's not happening I guess.

We went to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've never been able to get through the first scene of the movie. It gets to "Damn It Janet" and I quit. I can't handle it. So I thought maybe this would be different. I gave it a shot. One of the cast members said something about a boyfriend and called me his girlfriend and when I asked him about it, because I texted my friend about that and he wanted to know what we were talking about, and he said he doesn't like labels.  I like labels. I LABELED MY CABINETS. IT'S A THING. I WANT A LABEL.

We got out late. I drove, so I had to drive him all the way home and then back to my place. I got home at 4am, texted him to let him know I made it home per his request and when he didn't respond I passed out. He text me the next morning to say he passed out glad I was home safe. I text him. No response.

His family came out for Memorial Day weekend - the family he doesn't like and they went to Disneyland. I saw plenty of pictures but still no contact. I figured he was busy with his family and that's why he didn't text. No FB contact either.

It's been awhile, he's obviously not interested any long. Now neither am I because after Rocky, on the way home I went into a sleepy rant about how if someone doesn't want to be friends with me it's best to just end it. To just rip it off like a bandaid and do it. Just say it if you don't want to be with me. Instead of doing this, he tried to be the nice guy by ignoring me, which I even warned him was not a "nice guy" move but a dick move, an asshole move and by not being forth coming about his feeling he was being an asshole.

I've experimented with being non-single again and have again found that Single-Sara is the best Sara.

No more insecurities. Because this guy made me feel super insecure and I always thought of myself as a secure person. But I found myself wanting to work out and eat better and I really paid attention to grooming and while I don't eat right or exercise because I hate exercise and I like salads as much as I like cheeseburgers but cheeseburgers are easier to obtain and cheaper, I found myself becoming unhealthy about it. I don't like that.

To sum everything up with one Gif, here you go:

Adventures in Dating: Okay Stupid

Greetings readers, have a lovely day? I want to share with you a really awkward experience that I had today.

I haven't confirmed a relationship with the guy I have been seeing as mentioned in a previous post. My friend said that he was probably seeing other people and that as long as I didn't sleep with any of them, seeing multiple people until someone bones up and says "let's be exclusive" is ok. I've never done it. I usually go on one or two dates with someone and then it fizzles out. Or I see that person once a month or something ridiculous like that and it is ongoing. But I'm usually pretty monogamous when it comes to dating. As in I don't even talk to other guys.

So I went out with a guy I had been talking to for a few days. He was actually very pushy when it came to meeting. We talked maybe twice on OKC before he sent me his phone number. Then he was very demanding about what I would say to him. As in, he text me good morning one day, so I text back good morning and he said nothing for 24 hours. Then this morning he text me and wanted to know if I was still interested in talking to him because he didn't think I was interested after I just said "good morning". So I was like, "that's a pretty standard reply, was I supposed to launch into some dramatic story or something without greeting you?" He stated that next time I needed to add a more personal touch like, "are you a morning person?" Reg flag was there but for some reason I only saw it as a yellow flag.

He asked me to come see him at work. I worked for the company he works for so we had that to talk about. I talked about my cat. Then I went to see him at work. I discovered that the pictures on his profile were obviously old because he looks more disheveled and not as well groomed in person. I got a little dolled up - I put on make up and lipstick and changed my shirt. I put some effort into it.

Then he gets off work so I assumed we were going to Starbucks or something to talk for a bit. We didn't. He got a phone call as soon as we got to the parking garage where he proceeded to tell the person that I was picking him up. LITERALLY the words "Sara just got here and picked me up" came out of his mouth and I was like UM HOLD UP, what am I doing?

He didn't have a car. He did not tell me he didn't have a car. I had no clue I was supposed to give him a ride home. So right then and there I wanted to leave his ass at his place of work. But I didn't. He then pulled out his CD, because wait for it - he is a musician! A rapper to be exact and I learned all about his lovely music on the ride to, wait for it, THE PARK! Because he didn't have money to eat, he had just had lunch not too long ago and he wasn't thirsty so no Starbucks either.

At this point I'm going through my head the number of people I can text to get me out of this fuck shit of a situation. Like a fucking tool I ride it out. I listen to him talk about how he knows this person and this person from this band and that band and how hard it is for him and how he is "making moves" and going to market himself and really put himself out there for his music. I learned about how in the next three weeks he is going on tour and he is going to make a ton of money and then move out of his friends house and at this point he's one of Charlie Browns' teachers.

I couldn't even listen to him until he started going on about girls and dating in LA. He slammed other girls, girls he called his friend but spoke their names like I knew them or something. I had to keep asking who each girl was. Then he proceeded to go on and on about how every girl puts that they want a man who is well groomed, well dressed, has a career that they are successful in, has their own place, has a car, ect and that they wanted the perfect man and that he didn't exist.

 
So I stopped him and told him that the perfect man did exist and that ANY MAN could fit that description if he put some effort into it. He had to read between the lines and figure out the subtext. He then asked me what subtext meant. I literally face palmed at this point and explained again what subtext meant and then was like "I have to go, where do you live I'll drop you off." I made an excuse that I needed to go pick up a jacket from a friend who lived in Woodland Hills by the Topanga Mall for a photoshoot I was doing tomorrow and I wouldn't have time to get it before the shoot. He then was like "I need a stylist, I need a hair stylist and someone to do a photo shoot." So I politely nodded and smiled and he was like "do you want to do it?"

At this point, I thought he meant have sex. I gave him the dirtiest, meanest look I could muster and was like "um no. I've known you for about 5 seconds and I'm not having sex with you. Probably ever." He then proceeded to tell me he meant a photoshoot but I just laughed and said sure dude before dropping him off.

The moral of the story is this, do not settle. There is a guy out there who is perfect just like there is a girl out there who is perfect. They are not perfect for everyone but they will be perfect for THEE ONE. Whoever their "the one" is will think the sun shines out of their ass and that their ass smells like roses no matter what.

This guy needed a fucking clue in more than one way and I attempted to give it to him but he really was just too out of it to get it. That's ok. Perhaps he will get his life together and get it someday but it sure as hell wasn't today.

Now the question for me is, will the guy I've been seeing for the last three weeks ever bone up and confirm us into a relationship? My heart wasn't into meeting this new person. I think I realized that today. I wasn't really looking for someone else but discovered that what I already kind of had is perfect for me and it proved that I don't really want anyone else.

Stay Tuned....

Dating Again...

I have begun to navigate the waters of that whole dating experience again. It's only been a year. I figure I'm not getting any younger.

"Why are you on here?" Could be answered many different ways. My most recent answer:

I'm really good at being alone but I don't like being lonely. I'm not one of those people that consistently have to be with someone, attached to someone to validate their life. That's never been me. Whenever I tell people I have a date they kind of cock their head to the side like a dog & are always surprised. It took me a long time to not be insulted by that & it was because everyone was always so used to me being alone. But every now and then I get lonely. I crave someone hand to hold. Someone to call when I have good news, bad news, when I'm bored, want to go see a movie, ect. Someone to do those things you can't or shouldn't do by yourself with. If any of that makes sense. 

I also referenced a poem I wrote that is on my profile:

 I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
But when I see a mother with her child;
A girl with her lover;
Or a friend laughing with their best friend;
I realize that even though I like being alone
I don’t fancy being lonely.

And yet guys still come back with that whole, "I'm looking for friends with benefits" line.

So let me make this clear: NO SEX. No sex, no making dinner, no introducing him to friends, family, ect. All those things that are important to girls that guys merely put up with because they are getting sex - none of that happens. ESPECIALLY THE SEX. Girls don't get it. Guys don't care about those things. They just don't, even if they say they do, they don't. That's why they don't ask you what your favorite flower is, they just get you whatever bouquet is cheapest at the grocery store. This is why they don't bother to find out your favorite food and bring it to you when you've had a rough day. This is why they don't bother to leave love notes on your mirror saying you're beautiful so you have a romantic start to a hard day. Because they only do these things once they are taught, or in order to get back into your good graces. Because when they are in your good graces they get sex.

Take that away and you hold all the power, again. So with holding protects you and your emotions until you are certain he is as emotionally invested in you as you are in him. At least, this is what I have deduced from every matchmaker, movie and other references on the social norms that dictate our society.

I've broken my own rule. I just did it in fact. I feel terrible right now. This feeling is the ultimate worst. So I've made a renewed effort to use that phrase over and over until it is tattooed to my eyelids and I see it when I go to sleep. To remind myself of this pity of regret that is dwelling in my stomach and causing me physical pain on top of my mental anguish.

I just didn't want to feel like I was pressuring him. Pressuring him to be in a relationship after the 1st or 2nd date seemed to be very clingy, needy, "that girl"-ish and frankly, I didn't know if I wanted to be in a relationship. But a girl has needs. Needs that were better met with my vibrator but I still wanted physical contact with someone besides myself. Re-read the poem.

But what I failed to realize in that moment, that I realize now and sparked the inspiration for this entry and forced me to write out physically so it was tangible and real and not a fleeting thought from a jumbled brain. What I realized was, he was pressuring me too and it would have been perfectly ok to pressure him back. He wanted something from me, I needed a commitment of exclusivity from him and had I maybe spoke up about my feelings then I could have avoided this insecurity I feel now about not knowing.  A control freak always needs to have information in order to obtain control but there's no information flowing. There's no black and white, cut and dry but a cloud full of messy, wet gray and gray is not a control freak color.

So next time, if there is a next time this will be my mantra. I need an emotional commitment in order to make a physical one. Once you go there physically it cannot be undone. The chase is gone, the mystery is gone and so is the guy. Lesson learned. Hopefully.

Relationship Station

So remember when I was all "I can be alone, I don't need anyone blah blah blah"? Yeah?  Remember how I also said I'd most likely end up needing reminded why I enjoy being alone? Because eventually I'll get that crazy itch to try being in a relationship? You remember? Time to kick my own ass again. I've actually considered reviving my OKCupid profile. YEAH that would be a mistake. But I've literally been fighting to urge for the past week.

I can't understand why. I have zero to offer someone right now. I literally just have me. I think about it all the time. I see a cute guy and I think to myself "you should go talk to him, maybe he's single" and then immediately I think "but what would you say? You aren't very good with speaking words, you've always been the best with writing them down. So what, you're going to go say hi and then say hold on one minute, type out something on your phone and hand it to them?" So I never go up to that guy. Then later on I scold myself for not doing it. But then I think again, what exactly would I be able to offer that person? What could I give them that they could not get anywhere else? A steady stream of sarcasm and wit? A beautifully concocted string of curse words for when they stub their toe or hit their elbow on a doorway? How about a parody of their favorite song? I mean, it's kind of a specialty of mine to hear a song like "Single Ladies" and turn "All the single ladies" into something ridiculous like "all the crazy kitties, all the crazy kitties. all the crazy kitties, all the crazy kitties. Now put your paw up." Yeah. That's me.

I've recently become OBSESSED with The Darling Bud's music.  There's a line in Stay With Me that goes "it hurts like hell because it seems like nobody wants me. I know damn well I can be a terrible bore." Well, fuck if that ain't me. I've always been a sucker for a good lyric. Something that I can easily relate to or something so god damn catchy that it resonates in my mind so loud and so clear that it reverberates in my soul too. Then it is just stuck and the only way to get it out is to literally drown myself in it. You know how people say "sorry" so much that it literally has no meaning? We now move onto "I apologize" or "I am so deeply and truly sorry" because sorry by itself just isn't enough anymore... well, that's how it is with something like that. You just have to keep desensitizing yourself to it.

I've never had the fellas knocking down my door. This is something NONE of my friends know anything about. I've always been the single girl in my group. My best friends have always been the most beautiful people on the planet and everyone worships at their altar. I've had several guys dates me just to try and get close to my friends. I half expect it now. I always try to think what it is that they have that I do not besides looks. There's obviously not much else besides plastic surgery that I can do to change that.  I don't want to change how I look. I truly and genuinely like myself (most days). So I guess when I put up a profile and no one is messaging me I get discourage and I start to hate myself a bit because I want to know what's wrong with me? Why do guys just not want to be with a strong, intelligent, independent woman who knows exactly who she is and what she wants from life and from other people?

I mean why cannot I not find someone who likes back rubs? Who doesn't like finding a silly note that says "I love you" or "I miss you already" or some kind of inside joke on their car windshield or inside their bathroom medicine cabinet? I mean, that's cute right? Why can't I make someone dinner because I feel like it? Why can't I be the person someone tells their secrets to? Why can't I be the one they want to tell first when they get some really big exciting news? I do not understand how I cannot fill that space. I also don't understand how I can express that to someone without it being weird.

The speech of, "I don't want to marry you. I don't want to have a million babies with you. You don't have to meet my mum or my grams and I don't care if I don't meet your family (but it would be nice eventually). But I would like to hold your hand and call you first when something goes right or when something goes wrong so you can console or congratulate me and maybe eventually just have really hot rough sexual encounters on a regular basis." doesn't exactly roll right off the tongue. Although, most guys just want the last part. But I want a beginning a middle and perhaps if it doesn't work an end. I'm not terrified of relationships ending. Nothing last forever. We all hope the train doesn't stop but it can't go on forever. That's just not realistic. But this lonely train I am on has been going for 25 years and I'd like it to stop and let someone on. So we could ride together for awhile until it's one of our stops. Ya dig?

Adult Life? Wot?

I'm completely moved into my new flat. My mom is completely moved into her new house. I have interwebz, all is right in the world.

I wish this was what my place looked like but alas, tis not.

• I make my own dinners. Wot?
• I have to clean floors, dust and do dishes because there is no one else to do them. Wot?
• If I don't go to class I will see no other humans. Wot?
• I don't have a couch so I sat awkwardly on my bed while the technician installed my internet. I spent the entire time wondering if I should stand because sitting on my bed staring at him might have been suggestive and/or the beginning to a horrible soft porn romance novel. WOT?!

I am an adult? When did that happen? What is adult life? I've been trying to figure out my life and it's weird but having my own place feels right. Like it should have always been this way and I've been too stupid to figure it out but it finally just clicked.

I'll take pictures once I've painted and everything looks cute. Ya know because that's important!

I don't have much else to write about right now. Perhaps I'll just write about the fact that I hate that my cat climbs on everything. She's broken two things recently and I want to spank her little bottom for it but I resist because 1) I don't really believe in that kind of stuff and 2) She's already so skittish. All I ever do is hiss at her and tell her no and she seems to get it at the time but apparently not the point that I don't want her to do it again.
If I tape thumb tacks to all the counter tops for like a day and let her find out that way, would that be animal cruelty? I won't really do it but I fantasize about it at 3 am when she knocks a glass over into the sink and it wakes me from a dead sleep and nearly gives me a heart attack.

My New Flat

You guys, I did a thing... I have my own place.

Don't judge me but it took me until I was 25 to do it. I've lived in many places. I've lived with friends, I've slept on couches, in my car, in bathrooms, on the street with my Grams, with my mom, ect. But I've never had a place that was mine.

You know what my favorite part is? I CAN WALK AROUND IN THE BUFF AND NO ONE WILL WALK IN ON ME. Alright, I don't do it often but even when I have my own room and my own bathroom I still cover my breasts (even if the door is shut) and race across the doorway to get to my phone from the bathroom. Often because my phone is plugged in on the wall furthest from my room & in the morning if I don't keep myself to a 15 minute schedule I'll leave late. Leaving even 5 minutes later than normal in L.A can result in being an hour late somewhere. It's ridiculous but this is how Angelino's live.

I still need to paint but my kitchen is pretty much done. My bathroom has all my extras - I literally only kept what I would take with me if I were vacationing for a week somewhere. Tomorrow I'm going to take all but my dirty laundry which I intend to finish doing and then save only a weeks worth of clothing from that. Next is all my crafting supplies. I'm a little old lady so I like to scrapbook & paint and do little doodles. Then it's literally my TV, DVD player, computer and big items like my bed, a few tables, two bookshelves and a file cabinet. THATS IT FOLKS! Then I'm fully moved into my new place.

It scares me. You know, when I was having my gall bladder issues I woke my mom up and said "mumma, it's time to go to the ER" and she took me. Now she's going to be at minimum 30 minutes away (that's with zero traffic & by that I mean about 100 cars on the road compared to the thousands that it usually are on it) and if there's a problem I will have to call 911 or drive myself. It's a weird concept and I'm not sure why it matters. It's not like I haven't lived on my own before. For a year and a half I lived 3000 miles from her and had no qualms about it. Maybe it was because I moved away from her and moved that far on purpose, to kind of punish her but we'll talk about that some other time.

I'm not sure what I expect of the new place. Perhaps I'll finally feel lonely. But then I can invite people over and not have to worry about certain things. For example, none of my boyfriends ever really met my mom because I NEVER wanted to bring them over to my house. For one reason or another. When I was dating one guy, my mom and I lived in a one bedroom and she let me have the bedroom and slept in the living room. I tried to sneak in with a guy without waking her up - it didn't happen and so I had to introduce her to my drunk friend at like 3 am. It was awful. After that I have never brought a guy over. I usually don't even let them pick me up if we're going on a date. Now I don't have to worry about that. I can even have sex under my own roof! I have this thing where it has to be just us. I've done it with other people where in the apartment or house, maybe in another room and I was always terrified they could hear. That stuff is private and when you're "in the moment" you don't really think "oh hey can this guys room mate hear me? Am I making a weird noise and not realizing it?" I mean c'mon! Sometimes you're self conscious enough as it is, do you really need to worry about your sounds and inconveniencing another person or people too? But I don't particularly concern myself with this issue because, yeah well, I'm not involved with anyone. So moving on.

I kind of feel bad for my cat. Typical cat lady comment but she hasn't ever been alone before. Since I first got her and her sister who is my moms cat, she's always had a buddy. Shylo, one of my moms dogs chases her around a lot and she's skittish so she just runs from him. I doubt she'll miss him. She never really bothered with Luna (my mom's other dog) & Luna never cares about her and the lizards and bird are not of consequence. But in the new place she will have no friends. Nothing to keep her company or to play with her until I come home and that's kind of sad. Hopefully she does ok but I'll be fucking heart broken if she seems depressed or becomes one of those cats that sleep all the time. Maybe this will be good for her.

So that's pretty much it. I'll take pictures and post them once I get settled in and HOPEFULLY painted.

The Truth About Regrets

You know what is one saying I have never quite gotten? "Have no regrets." It's like saying "never take a chance" or "Play it safe all the time." But truth is, if you have no regrets then you haven't really lived life because sometimes you have to roll the dice.

To this day, my biggest regret is still a friend I had made. But friend wouldn't quite be the right word for it. We were friends. We tried to be more. Somewhere in the balance something went terribly, terribly wrong. It's the one time I was truly selfish and it's the one blemish someone could use as evidence that I'm not the squeaky clean good person I try to be.

Sometimes you have to take a chance, sometimes you cannot play it safe and sometimes you fail. Having regrets means that you had the courage to risk it and were ok with taking the consequence. Regrets mean you were brave, you had to courage to look failure in the face and say "ok, you win this round." I took a chance. I opened up to someone and they lied to me. It was a risk and I hated what it did to me, what I went through. Life got me but that's ok, it got him too.

Update: So I was curious, as to why I felt like, you know, writing about this horrid story, this awful chapter in my life and the person I originally wrote this blog about (but have since deleted) wrote to me on my LJ... and said:

"Funny reading this. You were right in so many ways. Logged in here to find a book that I wrote in rehab. Know last time I spoked to you, you were drunk, and in a different state of mind...anyways, hope all is well. Thank you for helping my young childish mind back then..and sorry for all the bullshit I caused you."

He wrote it a month ago. I want to write back but I'm probably just druging up the past. This was the last message I sent to him on LJ and it's as true now as it was then.

"I can't tell you not to come to california. It's a free country and all. But I get worried that if you do some to california that you might expect something and you shouldn't expect anything. I don't want this to turn into an "I came to california for you" kind of thing. If you go to Cal Arts and you come to California it has to be for you. Its a big world, there are soooo many people out there.
 
I used to want songs and albums written about me. I guess getting your wish sucks sometimes because I know that with all the positive songs I've influenced I know there are bad ones too. 
I remember being little and listening to "Faithfully" by Journey and thinking to myself "I want to be the girl he wrote that song about. I want someone to care about me that much." I just didn't know what I was asking for ya know? So I used to wish on stars for it. I still sometimes do. Although happiness and money and for "problems to go away" slip in there more often I still kind of wish for it. But that's a bad idea and I'm going to stop. 

I have a muse too. It's not someone I enjoy writing about but every time I talk to my muse or come in contact with them poetry, songs, stories just pour out of me and I don't ever want to let them go because I feel like if I do then I'm never going to write again. I think this is what you are going through. Someday you'll find a new one. Hell, it's taken me YEARS to get over my muse, but I still have this one last connection. It's ridiculous and I hate it but you can't shut emotions off. You just have to deal with them. You just have to manage them better and it takes time and practice and you'll never get it right 100% of the time. You'll be lucky to do it at 50%. maybe 60% at best and then you have to contend with the emotions that brings on. It's a mess but you don't have a choice.

I know how long it has been. I hoped that had been enough time for you to see. I hoped the silence would have shown you how easy it is to move on from your childhood crush. Once you find another person to attach your fascination onto you'll see. Then you'll laugh and realize how silly this all was. Then we can be friends, but not before and definitely not until you turn 18. 

I realize I broke the silence and that it was my fault because I should have never written that blog, that I should have at least taken it down. I'm sorry for drudging up all the crap. I didn't mean to. But that silence we had before, it has to go back to that. Sorry. "

I think I need to just... copy & paste the end of that. The last paragraph. I doubt he'd even read it. I'm just lonely tonight I guess. But I know if I write something other than "it's whatever, bye" I'll regret it. I doubt it's a risk I want to take.