Serial Single Sara

I was reading a friends blog because somehow I missed that she had a boyfriend. I mean this guy just randomly started appearing in her instagram photo's and I was like "she was a serial single, what gives?" But I guess, just like myself she dips her toes into the dating pool. She has always been cool in my eyes. Ridiculously gorgeous, talented writer and fun to be around. She has themed birthday parties every year and always goes all out on Halloween.

She found someone who is changing her outlook on love and life. We bonded over our same philosophy of "can't we just date for a while and re-evaluate later?" I always had to have that convo where I was like "Do we have to talk about marriage and kids like we are going to be together forever when we haven't even hit the month mark yet?"

But apparently that whole philosophy has faded away and so I guess I will follow her example and try again. Seems so pointless, so ridiculously pointless and a huge waste of time and energy. But I gotta try I guess.

My mom and my Grams were laying very heavy on the baby talk today. I've been finding myself wanting kids more and more lately. More of that biological clock problem that I never thought was a thing, but oh, it's a thing alright. A terrible, scary, 'da fuq?' kind of thing that just basically jumps out and spooks the shit out of you when you're looking at drooly babies and pictures of chubster kids in cute onesies and thinking about baby names.

"You could name your kid Groucho," my mother says to me after my grams read something from her new computer (it gives her like quotes of the day and news bulletins and all sorts of crap) that was written or said by Groucho Marx.
"I like the name Rowan, it could work for a boy or a girl."
"So make the middle name Groucho so that I can say "hey grouchy" and if your kid complains just blame it on me."
"But what if I have a girl? Groucha?"
"Just name her bitch."

My family ladies and gents! We're hilarious. But then my grams goes with the whole "I guess this won't be in my lifetime" guilt trip and I have to roll my eyes. One thing at a time Grams. Financial stability, then a boyfriend who I hopefully wouldn't mind procreating with and then the babies and spit-up and drool and first smiles and yes lovely names.

Last time I blogged about a guy maybe being a game changer, he ran away so let's not get ahead of ourselves - we are just talking and I am NOT picking out china patterns and the whole naming kids thing was coincidental. But I am talking to a guy and legit talking, not just like "oh hey cutie - sup?" it's actually philosophical stuff like "pie vs cake vs cookie vs brownies vs ice cream: what's better?" and that we both hold psychology degrees so I went all brainiac and nerded out and asked him all sorts of questions about what he likes to study and Maslow and Sternberg and all of this will probably go nowhere but I wish every conversation I have with every guy would go in this direction. Where we would talk and get to know each other through ever evolving and stimulating conversation rather than "come over, lets have sex." Or the other really weird shit I get from dating websites/apps.

Also, tinder is the worst. WTF.

Life Updates

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've updated. Somehow I thought I had a couple posts planned out, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

All that has really happened is that I graduated school (see previous post), I turned 26, went to the casino with my mom and grandma to celebrate both of those events and then the day before I went to State Board to get my license my niece moved in and I've been coping with a new addition to my tiny apartment. Her cat drives me absolutely insane. He's like the worlds porkiest kitty and he is only 4-5 months old. He eats twice as much as my cat and my poor kitty looks like a newborn next to him. It has brought out her playful side so after the week of hissing and hiding they are pretty much besties now. Good for them.

I haven't gotten a job yet. I went on a ton of interviews and it all turned out to be nothing. I've called several places to follow up applications but it was all "sorry, not interested" and that's awful to hear repeatedly. I had a little breakdown over it all because it's been a month since I've gotten my license and nothing is happening.

I don't have any other updates besides this. I need to think of something dramatic to write about but thankfully my life has been significantly drama free.

My Time At Beauty School Explained in Jersey Shore GIFS

So I graduated beauty school today. I wrote this a bit earlier, so I'm probably out getting as shitfaced as the Guidos in these GIFS but to explain my time at Beauty School I thought none could do it better than the drama of this horrid reality TV show because that's literally how I felt - like I was trapped in an awful reality show and at any one point someone was going to pop out with a camera and tell me I got punk'd. Only they never did.

Girls kept putting tampons in the toilets...
 THERE'S A HUGE TRASH CAN NEXT TO THE TOILET!

When someone would ask a question and the teacher JUST SAID the answer to their question right before they asked it.

One of the girls came running out of the bathroom because someone "missed" the toilet when pooping.

Us, every Saturday at 8:30am when we were up and not sleeping off our hangovers in order to do people's hair.

This girl said "excuse you" to me in a really snotty way during a conversation, I apparently offended her but I gave her my dirtiest look and informed her very sternly that she was NEVER to speak to me that way and that she needed to be careful who she spoke to like that because someone is just going to ring her bell without warning. She cried.

Any time we'd do a personal service, we'd fuck with each other.
Like saying "Whoops" in the middle of curling or dying their hair.

Us on Saturday Morning after going out the night before.

Whenever someone would ask how to do something for the zillionth time
or
what the answer was to that question on the test AFTER WE ALREADY TOOK IT.
If you don't know the meaning of "Porosity" go look in the damn text book.

I quoted this when I bought my new shears because girls have sticky fingers.
I mean someone stole someone else's lunch, of course they'd take my $200 shears.
YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T PACK THAT & PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE PUNTA, WHY ARE YOU GOING MAKE SOMEONE ELSE GO HUNGRY? RUDE.

All the girls at every graduation

When they made me do a fingerwave in front of the entire class - AFTER I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO DO THEM & MY INSTRUCTOR HAD TO FORCE ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

My reaction when I find out someone failed their State Board test.

My reaction whenever I pass a text.

My Life as GIFs from New Girl

The following GIFS apply to my life as if they were pages ripped out verbatim and inserted into the script.

All the time

What my mom says to me whenever I get frustrated with guys

What I want to say to EVERYONE I've ever met while working retail

How I feel

When people comment on the fact that I talk to myself.

Pretty much sums it up

What I say to every guy I date

What I say to my friends when it doesn't work out with a guy

What I say to the bartender 3 shots in after a break up

What I say at home after a break up

EVERY TIME I HAVE MY PERIOD

When I'm so hungry I could kill someone

There are so many more but I was super bored. Enjoy.

Major Case of Senioritis

It is getting to be that time. I have a month left. No, 14 physical days (that means not including weekends) & 86 hours to be exact. Until I graduate. So I've officially been at "senior" status for awhile now but I've finally got that problem.

Think back to the high school days of yesteryear and try to remember how much you didn't give a shit about anything because you basically already had one foot out the door and you'll have a vague inkling of where I am at.

Except I go to school with about 60 girls of various ages, in various stages of life and almost always on their fucking rag. Almost every one of them, to me, at this point, is a person worthy of being bitch-slapped. I almost did it today to this one girl who is mean to people on purpose and just the most immature person I've ever come across. I don't usually judge people by their age but she is 19, fresh out of high school and just not someone I'd consider being friends with. I try and steer clear of her because I'm almost done and really, I'm 26 I don't have time to be teaching little girls when they should or shouldn't open their mouth and that when they do open their mouth if disrespect comes pouring out of it that someone at some point will gladly put them in their place. I'll let someone else do that. I'm not trying to make her into my problem. I'm just trying to graduate and get the fuck out.

I should probably explain that we have a certain number of procedures, that we call Practicals, that are required by the State Board of California to prove that we know how to do hair. That number is different for every type of procedure we do. So anything "thermal" like blow drying, straightening or curling your hair with an hot tool we have to do a certain number of, which is different from the number of hair coloring and/or bleaching procedures, ect. We also have to study each different thing, wet hair styling, thermal styling, chemical services, doing the different types of facials, hair removal (waxing) and different types of nails (just to name a few) from a text book and that is called theory. We have to have a certain number of each of those as well. We track it all on a sheet from week to week with our hours (literally like a job) and that's considered our proof of training which is required to get our license. So I have all of those completed basically, save for like 1 Press & Curl, 1 Manicure for my Practical or Procedures and for Theory it's like 1 Rules & Regulations and 1 Health and Safety, which those two theories we do not get from our book because it's a basic book used in every state and the health and safety and rules are different from state to state so they don't put those in there. Those hours we get from being the lab person (basically the salon bitch/everyone's maid/ mother who makes sure everyone is being clean) or if one of our teachers decides to lecture us on it for an hour. So I'm pretty much done. Anything I do now is extra and pretty much I don't want to do it.

If you know me, you know I'm not a careless person but right now, with Senioritis - I could give a fuck. See gif above, it explains everything. Everyone who I started with has already graduated and I would be too if I didn't have to take a leave of absence for a medical emergency and it set me back in hours. Thanks stupid gallbladder!

We have the option to hold a graduation. It's not like your typical graduation where you wear a cap and gown although my director/principle/the owner of the school claims they have one and they used to make the students wear it. But we get all dolled up - usually in something other than black - have our hair and make up done by other students and then at the end of the day there's cake and we stand up in the back of the Salon area and the students come up and say stuff and usually you have your family there and they can talk and then finally the teachers come up and I'm literally going to have to stop myself from doing this the whole time when my director speaks about me before handing me my diploma:

Then we take pictures and eat the cake. Everyone else will be eating the cake and I'm just going to be like LET ME OUT! It's the day before my birthday and it is another student's birthday (who I like) that day so if I do decide to hold a graduation I'll just have them make it a Happy Birthday cake haha. I think a bunch of us are going out as a joint birthday celebration that night too. I'm going to double check.

The next week my Grams, my mum and I are going to Pechanga which is a hotel and casino down in Temecula and we're going to stay over and play bingo and I plan on drinking my ass off. LOL.

I've also decided that for a graduation post, you know when I actually graduate it is going to be told in Jersey Shore gifs, because they totally apply.

Branding Yourself

For as long as I can remember I have never wanted to be me. I have never wanted the name Sara. No one ever spells it right and on top of that I've discovered 7 different spellings that are all pronounced the same. Sara, Sarah, Cera, Zareh (that was my favorite & I won $5 betting on the pronunciation), Carah, Sarrah and Serra. Plus a million trillion bajillion girls have the name Sara, Sarah, ect. I had 5 in my graduating class of 700, at one of the places I worked we had to add on last initials because there was 4 of us at one point and when I started beauty school the other girl who started the same day as me was also named Sara and also spelled it without an H. Then about 6 months in another Sara joined still no H. So I still have to use my last initial. I wish we could just go by last names but I think that's too football or something. I write my last name on everything and don't even bother with the first name. No point really because I don't want it.

In 2nd grade I tried writing different name on my paper. We didn't have a Julie, so I picked that. My teacher called my parents, she made a big deal about it and I just said I hated my name and wanted to change it.

I've always had this problem. My mom told me when I was 18 I could change it. Every time I moved to a new school she was like "just have them call you whatever you want." But no one ever would do it. I was supposed to be named Ivy. So I tacked Ivy onto my name or asked people to call me Ivy and everyone was always like "... why? That's not your name." Obviously, you don't get it. You don't hate your name the way I hate my name.

I've tried rebranding myself as Sara Ivy but every STILL just calls me Sara. So let's go with keeping in my actual name since all you assholes are refusing to cooperate with me when I say "I know my driver's license says this but I want you to call me blah because I go by blah." that we just call me by my initials S.E?

S.E, as in the letter S then the hard E sound (kind of like the nail polish brand Essie) - that's doable right? It's also my pen name. When I write, I publish under S.E Beason (just like it was e.e cummings) because when I first started sending out stuff I wanted to be slightly anonymous but still be me and still make my name famous. Little bit of hubris there but it works. I mean, doesn't everyone want to be famous?

I've grown out of not wanting to be me anymore. I like who I am, I've accepted what I look like (and have become exhausted with trying to change my appearance save for make up and hair) and I've accepted that not everyone is going to like me, even though being dumped on hurts like a mother fucker. These are not things many can say about themselves. I'm over the moon that I am lucky enough to have either given up or come to terms (it changes back and forth daily if not hourly) with myself. But that name thing, the name still has to go. Weird huh?

A lot of being a hair stylist is branding yourself. You will hear that in almost any profession - save like retail because you're selling someone else's brand then so it's not ideal to have your own. But anyways when everyone talks about marketing and branding themselves I guess I just want to be a little bit different. I don't want my brand to be like every one else. I don't want it to be similar. There's no other Coco Chanel except Coco Chanel. There's no one else like Karl Lagerfeld, Betsey Johnson, Ted Gibson, ect. I want that same thing. To be a unique little butterfly in a flourish of pretty things and people.

So if you're wondering where Sara Ivy went... well, she never really existed. But S.E has always been here, she was just kind of hiding and waiting to come out when she was ready. Hello world.

Anti-Social Sara Says Social Media Is Not Social

Dear Being of the Universe,

I am a nice person. Or so I'd like to think. People have told me I'm nice, generous, kind, ect. I've never really thought of myself as that until other people started to tell me. Then I kind of started saying, "you know what Sara? You're great."

Then the problems started. I think I became so obsessed with being nice, because I think I equated that to being liked that I started to assume other people acted the same way and the reason why people were well liked was because they were nice.

That's actually false. People in general are not nice. They are rude, inconsiderate and materialistic. If you do not have something they want, like a connection or something they can use, you are of no use to them and they don't want to talk to you or be your friend. They can't outright say this of course so they do whatever everyone does; be passive aggressive and ignore you.

That means when you ask if they want to go to Warped Tour with you they say that don't like the bands, can't afford it or some other lame excuse and then the day of Warped Tour all you see on your social media is status updates, tweets and instagram video's and pictures of the Warped Tour they supposedly weren't going to and while they are there having a grand old time you're sitting at home on Twitter going "mother fucker."

Or maybe that's just me.

This has happened three or four times now and I am just sick of it. So I deleted all my social media besides Twitter which I use for Celeb updates. To be honest I didn't actually "delete" my IG because I want the photos to still be there if I need them but I deleted my bio, my picture, the app and have stopped using it.

I don't want to see photo's of the events you didn't think to invite me to. Because I would have NEVER forgotten to invite you to an event that I know you'd want to go to. A.k.a anything to do with the Madden's for my GCfam. Like, let's just throw that out there - if you have time to invite people from out of state, you obviously have time to send some form of carrier pigeon at the very least to say hey this is going down, IDK if you can but it's a thing.

I mentioned this to someone else and they literally go "oh no, did you say to them 'we aren't friends anymore'? Because I would have." I just told them I was 25 and I didn't have time for petty shit. I'll just remove them from my social media and not worry about it. But for me that wasn't enough because they could still see my stuff and they could still contact me and try to stir up drama. I mean if they even still have my phone number they can still do it via phone but that would require effort. That would require noticing my absence from their feeds - which they haven't. Three weeks has gone by and not one of my so-called "friends" has even bothered to check and see if I'm still alive.

Thanks guys. That's almost as comforting at the time that NO ONE came to visit me in the hospital when I ALMOST DIED. If any one of them had been in the hospital I would have been there. But I'm nice, I guess they're not?

Because it really only seems like I miss you and all that counts when I can cart them around in my car to shows. It seems like I'm only good enough to be someone's friend when I can offer them something. How about just wanting to be around people because they are genuinely interested in you? Because those are the friends I want. Those are the people I want in my life - people that want to be around me.

The whole thing that pisses me off about this entire business is not that they don't want to be around me, but that they don't have and apparently couldn't borrow the balls to say "Sara, I don't want to be your friend, I don't enjoy hanging out with you." If they said that, yeah it would sting but I'd be like "Wow, ok" and it would be done. But people don't have those balls.

So if you're reading this and you think it could be about you, it probably is and if you'd like I will straight up tell you if I think you're a shitty friend and that I would rather just not associate with you anymore. If I see you out and about I will wave or say Hi and acknowledge your existence as a person but I don't want to be your fair weather friend. Nor do I want to be your friend on any type of Social Media because to be honest, liking my rant about shitty friends on FB when you're the shitty friend I am talking about because you're oblivious to the situation, is also not a conversation. So perhaps I am to blame for not calling you out on your dick moves, but people don't and/or shouldn't have to tell you you're a shitty friend. I think you already know it and if you don't well then that's worse. But either way it's so not my problem anymore.

Bye Felicia.